And still nothing.

I spent the entire day with all of the people that I love so much and still I got nothin', still bummed. I tried so my whole day was off and on but I can't shake this lingering sadness. Unexplainable. I have tried. Not sure it is even remotely interesting to anyone.

I went to see There Will Be Blood last night with all the lovelies. The movie was really great, when I was paying attention. You see I have this little thing called exploding effing eyeball disease, it causes intense headaches that make me want to die. Of course about half an hour into the movie that I have been waiting for since only God knows when I get a real pounder. Whatever, I will deal. I rub my eyes and cradle my head in my hands for the duration of the nearly 3 hour movie and when I get home I jump in bed and crash after sobbing for a while.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I don't want to sob like a baby. Most of all I am tired of my life being paused by sporadic brain crushing.

Today I woke up to have breakfast with the Sacramento family in celebration of Kevin's soon-to-be birthday. We decide to make a day of it. Hang out, listen to Silver Darling practice and therefore melt my sad heart, then out to Davis. Carol, Courtney, Kevin, Michael Finn and myself hope around to a few thrift stores, eat some pizza, hang at the big kids park and walk around town.

All of that glory and I still have nothing.

Obviously I had moments of happiness but overall I am back to stoic me and that my friends is not alright! What in the name of all that is great am I to do with this?

Don't

Don't ride the effing light rail while trying to talk to your BFF on the phone! It's next to impossible because it is highly likely that a man with a booming voice will sit across from you, a pack of teenagers will walk on and decide to bump some music having to do with boobies and booties and I man who smells of week old gin will fall over you in an effort to exit the transport. Generally, I am a patient person but c'mon I live many miles away fromm BFF and I needed to vent so all of you who talk loud, bump booty music and smell of old alcohol please, for the love, please don't sit near the girl with the golden pear on her coat she is emotional and falling apart and might just snap if her phone conversation is interrupted.

Thank you.

♥

So so rainy!

It is so rainy in Sacramento and that makes me happy! As I crawl under my blankets at night I get to hear the droplets of rain hitting my window, it is more soothing that just about anything. I have had a rough few days so this calming water all around is a welcome treat.

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking as of late. Wondering what exactly I am working toward in my time here. The truth is that as each day passes the day that Sally leaves us gets even closer, sure that is 9 months away but the older I get the more I realize that a month is truly no time at all. I can't help but wonder what Courtney and I will do with our extra room in our cozy home. Lately the thought of moving scares me. I know that I will not be leaving this place because it is here that I want to be, surrounded by all of these spectacular people that I love so much, people who make me a better person, happier and healthier and full. But I wonder if that is true for all of us. How long will this last?

It is a disease, I might even be justified in calling it a Stevens disease: cynicism. When times are awful I soak that up and when times are great all I can think of is how sad it will be when it is all over. I have been lucky enough to have some phenomenal times that cast out my cynicism but lately I am overwhelmed with premature grief. What to do?

Walk in the rain!

p.s. I got a digital camera for Christmas from my pops it is he who has made it possible for you to have a glimpse of my life much more quickly that my SLR allows...

Oh so sleepy.

Why O why am I up right now? I am sleepy and now a bit cranky and my pills are making my head spin and all I want is sleep (also a kitten or puppy).

Maybe soon I will learn to get to bed at a normal hour...until then I will use this space to freak out about how I am unable to catch a few zzzzzz's!

A Bit of Sugar from Esther O.

The story goes like this: I was hanging out in the living room watching a little of the NEW American Gladiators, you know livin' it up. As if my evening wasn't already going pretty sweetly I decided that a little extra sugar would be pretty superb so I flip open the laptop and head on over to multiply.com where my good buddies Jeremy, Rachel and Esther Heyboer live and what do I find but the most lovely of photos that brings me enough love and happiness to fill all of Sacramento and maybe even the state of California! Thanks my loves for always helping me smile when I need it. xo.

Feelin' my exploding eyeball disease take its toll and therefore I am bummed...

For those of you who want to know what's going on with my eyes: During my last visit home I had an appointment with my neurologist. I was pretty nervous about what I would find out because for about a month now I have been experiencing the super painful headaches that mean something might be wrong, luckily nothing is wrong. Apparently my discs look good and that is a great relief! My optic nerves are not void of the tumor however, it seems that they are not growing...they aren't shrinking either. In an effort to escape the need for another spinal tap my doctor has given me a prescription for more diuretics which I have to take two times a day (this also means that I spend quite a bit of time on the toilet) and a pain killer, also two times a day. The side effect of the pain pill is grogginess, stomach cramps and an overall gross feeling. The discomfort in my stomach means that I am not eating regularly and that only adds to the sleepiness. I have spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and that is no good but luckily I have friends who drag me out of the dumps and that is a nice feeling. I am going to try and keep my head up and continue to seek the advice of my doctor.

In other news: Sacramento is a land of ruin after the crazy rain and winds! Crushed cars, toppled trees and branches as road hazards are super uncool. Pictures to come.

Welcome 2008, I am glad you are here.

Happy Freaking New Year from Sacramento!!

I am pretty excited about 2008! I am not generally one who hangs on to superstition however, if it is true that the greatness of the year ahead is determined by how you welcome it then I am sure to have a really amazing 08.

Carol and I hung out with a pretty sweet pirate pinata...you know, props for the Mexican ;)

I had a pretty amazing time shakin' it...obviously.

Joshua entertained us with his sparkler skills whilest tending to the amazing bonfire.

Joshua had some pretty sweet dance moves.

The ladies of the house had a blast!

Courtney and I took aproximently 10 pictures of ourselves on the couch.