Maybe I am a bad person, maybe I am not really good at loving people, maybe I am not good at being selfless. Perhaps there are times when I cannot get outside of the negative world that I have created in my head. The truth is that I lived for a very long time disliking people, thinking that everyone was lame and none of those lame-o's understood how hard it was to be me. Luckily, I abandoned the angst shortly after high school and I came to realize that life is not all about me and how sorry for myself I can feel. I think what happened is that I found grace and I learned how to love, I learned that reciprocity is important and conditions are lame. Somehow from the angst to the grace I think I may have lost my backbone. I think I lost my ability to stand up for myself and speak up when people hurt me. I would so much rather take peoples crap if it means that they will be okay than speak up and protect my emotional stability.
I am saying so little with so many words right now...it is ridiculous.
All of the aforementioned fluff is to say that lately I have felt used, under appreciated and tired. I don't fell like I am a person who does things to be thanked. In fact, I would much rather be a wallflower than be noticed but lately I feel very invisible. I am not sure how to describe it, I am not sure if it makes me a bad person when I say like I feel sort of stepped on. I have lived most of my life unnoticed, feeling so very invisible (there are exceptions of course) so when I feel used I just want to freak the hell out. Anyhow, the way I deal with this feeling is I turn myself off. It's kind of a talent or the worst quality ever. I just sort of turn off my emotions, I turn into a bit of a zombie. I don't engage people. I flip a tiny switch in my heart and I go cold. It's terrible. It is the worst way to live and I am so tired of it. I am not sure how to fix myself, I was advised to talk to the people who hurt me, let them know that I am saddened by their actions or lack thereof. That scares me. That sort of confrontation makes me die inside, I don't want to upset my friends. Perhaps these friends will read this and then I will have no choice-luckily I don't share my blog with many people. Is it wrong to love the people in your life so much that you sacrifice yourself to the point of mild meltdowns in order to afford them as much happiness as possible? Yes, it is. What do I do now? Grow a pair? Deal with it? Run into the shelter of solitude? What I am realizing about myself is that I am not a very good friend and perhaps I am a bad person. POOP!
Also, thanks.
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