My JM

I talked to my brother just now. I love him so much! He is good good good. If he moved to Sacramento my life would be perfect.

There is something really fantastic about siblings, maybe it is just my sibling...I hope not. I can rest with so much comfort knowing that I am forever attached to one of the greatest people on earth, I can annoy him and me mad at him and frustrate him but none of that really matters because he will love me forever no matter what. He has even promised to beat up bad guys for me.

God was so good when he gave me my JM!!

Thank You Rain, Thank You!

You know that crisp feeling that comes after a few days of rain. You know...the one that kisses your face when you walk outside and tingles your toes when you take your shoes off. Yup! That's what I have in Sacramento. It is beautiful! Having a lovely day like today makes me want to walk the city and drink coffee then take a nap and do it all over again.

I love this town.

Second Week of School...Only 15 more to go.

I have a problem: False ambition. I always begin every semester with 4 - 5 classes, I always tell myself that I am going to do super well and pass them with at least C's, I will go to class everyday, study every night...FALSE, it rarely happens.


This semester I am taking 4 classes:
Philosophy of Literature: AMAZING. This class focuses on Idealistic Romanticism...basically it was made for me. IR means that we get to study (in super depth) J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis and Charles Williams. Do I have to share anything more? You should be convinced that this class is my greatest. My prof is ridiculous (a.k.a effing amazing) he says zen a lot and generally refers the class back to having the mentality of sumo wrestlers. Also, 1/3 of the class is dedicated to thought homework...what is thought homework? In short it is the greatest thing ever, my teacher encourages us to take the last third of the class to grab a cup of coffee and think about the lecture and the various questions that he posed to us during class. I am pretty sure that this class is going to change my life and I am ready for it.
Biological Psychology: My teacher is blind! We have to tap on our desks to get his attention for questions, I can't wait until I have questions. He lecture notes are in braille...I am in love with this teacher, he is phenomenal.
Math: Boring and torturous! Unfortunately, I am stupid and have to keep taking math...probably until I die. Good news: My teacher is the most entertaining math teacher ever. He is one of those who was likely socially awkward so he turned to the books for companionship and because of that he is a wizard. He arrives punctually everyday, coffee stains on his pants that are way to big, wrinkled shirt with one side un-tucked, hair a mess and he has a thick Spanish accent. I love this guy! Yesterday he told the class that is has nothing but time and patience for us, he wants us to learn at any cost. OOOOOOOO I like him.
Political Science: I have taken this, I have passed it. The problem is that I think that I am getting dumber and dumber with age so I decided that I needed something to refresh my mind...I don't want to be stupid. Plus, I have to vote for a president this year so it seems appropriate. If only there were a candidate that I wanted to vote for.


I have to go learn things about biology and politics now...

Some Thoughts That Make Me Happy

This picture is by an artist called Nikki McClure. She is super amazing and everything that she does is really wonderful. I was introduced to her about 4 years ago and I just can't get enough. That was a quick little rant before I get into the meaty stuff.


I have so many random things going on in my head lately, you all know that I think too much...too much for any one's good. I suppose it is a good thing in many ways however, in the moments of frustration or depth I sometimes wish that I could be just another struggling twenty-something. Sometimes what I want more than anything is to be someone who blends into the rest of the world. Maybe I am wrong in thinking that so many of those who blend are blessed with the ability to take it one moment at a time rather than thinking so far ahead. There I went again with a bit of a ramble...


So what is truly on my mind? Geez!


School started this week. So did my self examination. You know, the thing that happens when you look back on a time and realize all that you didn't accomplish. I mean I am turning 25 in about 2 weeks and I am no closer to being a real adult than I was 2 years ago. That sounds awful when I look back at it because I have accomplished plenty of things, but the world will not acknowledge any of them. What I mean is that I will not be any closer to a career or savings or you know, adulthood. I don't want to sound like I am ungrateful, I am not...just jaded by the world definition of success versus mine. The truth is that I rest easier in my definition. My definition allows me to be successful in so many ways...eventually.


What is my definition of success? That is no simple question. The truth is that I could type until my fingertips are raw and that wouldn't even touch it. So, instead I will tell you what I have accomplished and preface it with: I am proud of these things and therefore I have begun to succeed.


1. Moved: I grabbed all the material possessions that were important to me and with the help of my family packed a U-Haul trailer full and off to Sacramento I went...and here I am. Today I am beaming with pride when I call this place my home away from home. 2. Loved: I have learned how to love my friends and I have learned how to be loved by them. 3. Built: I have been a part of building what we like to call our Sacramento family. We are family away from family. An eclectic group of lovelies who fit perfectly among one another, it is through these friends that I have been shown God's amazing grace. Community! What I have done is moved away and found, and help build a community of people who love one another even though we sometimes suck. These beautiful people (Kevin, Carol, Joshua, Amber, Courtney, Sally, Michael Finn, Andy, Liz, Chad, Eli, Jesse...and of course my Kate so far away in the LBC) fill my heart so full that my body can't contain itself. You know, that happiness that is only properly released through tears. I am a lucky girl. I am grateful and in awe of God's plan for His children. I am humbled that He created us to need one another. I am full of joy that I found people who share such greatness with me. I am so effing lucky...so so so good!


Now that I have shared the beauty that is my Sacramento family I don't even want to touch the frustrations. I fear that they will overshadow my moment of bliss so I save that for after a night's sleep.


Come visit me here in my town, I promise that you will be well received. I promise to treat you to delicious coffee and cozy moments sprinkled with a walk or two...


♥



P.S. Go see The Orphanage! It was sooooo good! Also, There Will Be Blood...be prepared for the score of a lifetime. 2 good ones, so worth the ridiculously priced movie ticket!

Peppermint Tea and a Freeeeeaking Rain Storm

Apparently when it rains in Sacramento it really rains and I like it!


Here is my recipe for the greatest rainy day indoors:


Boil yourself a bit of water


Pull a mug from the cupboard


Add one peppermint tea bag to the mug


Pour hot water atop the tea bag and allow the tea to steep for a bit


Add half & half and a bit of honey...curl up on the couch with a copy of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer and be cozy.


P.S. I am happy right now.

Bored!

This is what I look like when I am bummed...also bored. I was home alone most of the afternoon yesterday so I goofed around with my digital camera, taking pictures of random things and of course, myself.

Truthfully I am not too bummed lately. It's off and on. I am trying very hard to keep my mood up while still grieving and processing in a healthy manner.

Another truth: I am not that into blogging right now so I think that I will quit while I am ahead.

Brrrrrr :))

The air is cold in Sacramento. Wearing a scarf and beanie seems appropriate at any time of the day or night. As I sit inside a local coffee shop watching the naked trees blow in the direction of the wind I am overcome...I am lucky. In this very moment I miss my family, I miss them because I want to share with them the beauty of this place and this life that I am building. My lingering sadness is fading, today is is weaker than yesterday. I think that I am learning how to grieve in a healthier way, I am glad that this place and these lovely people give me that freedom.

Quickly because I am sleepy.

I am feeling better today. I have had some amazing conversations with great people. I am a super lucky person! My day was sprinkled with bits of goodness: fog, walking to the lightrail and meeting a friendly cat, spending time at Temple which is the greatest coffee shop in all of Sacramento, coffee with Carol, Silver Darling joy and Dr. Pepper.


Moments of sadness are worth it if it means that my life can be this good. Now, I need to convince my whole family that they should move here and I would be blissful!

A good long walk with a buddy only makes life better.

I had a nice evening tonight. Very very nice.

I woke up this morning to my usual Sunday morning alarm, anyone who knows anything about me knows that I hate waking up to an alarm and Sundays make that hate even more intense. I should be grateful that I am awake and able to get up and go help set up a worship space. I should be glad that my life allows me to walk only 4 blocks to church and I should jump for joy that I found a welcoming place to worship my creator but....none of those thoughts pop into my head at 7:45 in the morning, instead all I can feel is sad and frustrated. I realize that those are two emotions that I feel often, that is not the point. The point is that the Lord set aside a day of rest for His people, a day when we get to wake up and be blessed by His word and His community and all I can do is weep inside. The truth is that I am still mourning the loss of a house church because it is there that I feel most at home, closest to God. Something about Sunday morning in any place but New City makes me feel out of place and certainly out of touch with my Father. That is not to say that I have never felt His spirit at City Life because that I have but it is to say that I am still in the midst of a struggle to find a sweet balance, especially now that it is also my job.

I felt God tonight. Strongly and intimately, that felt nice. It is nice when God tenderly reminds me that He is with me always, watching over my every move as He waits for me to receive Him. I like knowing that God is patient, He is a God who allows me to make mistakes in order to appreciate and recognize His mercy even more.

I most clearly see the Lord in other people. I hear Him speaking to me in those who are in line with Him. I am thankful that God uses His children so well. Tonight I felt God walking alongside Courtney and I, I felt Him in her words and in our silence.

I got home after spending a few hours talking about sadness and happiness and friends with Courtney. We walked to Temple in the cold, sat and drank warm beverages and just spoke of all the things that we have here in our town and it was then that I was reminded of the goodness of our God.

God is good, I just seem to sometimes forget that.

And still nothing.

I spent the entire day with all of the people that I love so much and still I got nothin', still bummed. I tried so my whole day was off and on but I can't shake this lingering sadness. Unexplainable. I have tried. Not sure it is even remotely interesting to anyone.

I went to see There Will Be Blood last night with all the lovelies. The movie was really great, when I was paying attention. You see I have this little thing called exploding effing eyeball disease, it causes intense headaches that make me want to die. Of course about half an hour into the movie that I have been waiting for since only God knows when I get a real pounder. Whatever, I will deal. I rub my eyes and cradle my head in my hands for the duration of the nearly 3 hour movie and when I get home I jump in bed and crash after sobbing for a while.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I don't want to sob like a baby. Most of all I am tired of my life being paused by sporadic brain crushing.

Today I woke up to have breakfast with the Sacramento family in celebration of Kevin's soon-to-be birthday. We decide to make a day of it. Hang out, listen to Silver Darling practice and therefore melt my sad heart, then out to Davis. Carol, Courtney, Kevin, Michael Finn and myself hope around to a few thrift stores, eat some pizza, hang at the big kids park and walk around town.

All of that glory and I still have nothing.

Obviously I had moments of happiness but overall I am back to stoic me and that my friends is not alright! What in the name of all that is great am I to do with this?

Don't

Don't ride the effing light rail while trying to talk to your BFF on the phone! It's next to impossible because it is highly likely that a man with a booming voice will sit across from you, a pack of teenagers will walk on and decide to bump some music having to do with boobies and booties and I man who smells of week old gin will fall over you in an effort to exit the transport. Generally, I am a patient person but c'mon I live many miles away fromm BFF and I needed to vent so all of you who talk loud, bump booty music and smell of old alcohol please, for the love, please don't sit near the girl with the golden pear on her coat she is emotional and falling apart and might just snap if her phone conversation is interrupted.

Thank you.

♥

So so rainy!

It is so rainy in Sacramento and that makes me happy! As I crawl under my blankets at night I get to hear the droplets of rain hitting my window, it is more soothing that just about anything. I have had a rough few days so this calming water all around is a welcome treat.

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking as of late. Wondering what exactly I am working toward in my time here. The truth is that as each day passes the day that Sally leaves us gets even closer, sure that is 9 months away but the older I get the more I realize that a month is truly no time at all. I can't help but wonder what Courtney and I will do with our extra room in our cozy home. Lately the thought of moving scares me. I know that I will not be leaving this place because it is here that I want to be, surrounded by all of these spectacular people that I love so much, people who make me a better person, happier and healthier and full. But I wonder if that is true for all of us. How long will this last?

It is a disease, I might even be justified in calling it a Stevens disease: cynicism. When times are awful I soak that up and when times are great all I can think of is how sad it will be when it is all over. I have been lucky enough to have some phenomenal times that cast out my cynicism but lately I am overwhelmed with premature grief. What to do?

Walk in the rain!

p.s. I got a digital camera for Christmas from my pops it is he who has made it possible for you to have a glimpse of my life much more quickly that my SLR allows...

Oh so sleepy.

Why O why am I up right now? I am sleepy and now a bit cranky and my pills are making my head spin and all I want is sleep (also a kitten or puppy).

Maybe soon I will learn to get to bed at a normal hour...until then I will use this space to freak out about how I am unable to catch a few zzzzzz's!

A Bit of Sugar from Esther O.

The story goes like this: I was hanging out in the living room watching a little of the NEW American Gladiators, you know livin' it up. As if my evening wasn't already going pretty sweetly I decided that a little extra sugar would be pretty superb so I flip open the laptop and head on over to multiply.com where my good buddies Jeremy, Rachel and Esther Heyboer live and what do I find but the most lovely of photos that brings me enough love and happiness to fill all of Sacramento and maybe even the state of California! Thanks my loves for always helping me smile when I need it. xo.

Feelin' my exploding eyeball disease take its toll and therefore I am bummed...

For those of you who want to know what's going on with my eyes: During my last visit home I had an appointment with my neurologist. I was pretty nervous about what I would find out because for about a month now I have been experiencing the super painful headaches that mean something might be wrong, luckily nothing is wrong. Apparently my discs look good and that is a great relief! My optic nerves are not void of the tumor however, it seems that they are not growing...they aren't shrinking either. In an effort to escape the need for another spinal tap my doctor has given me a prescription for more diuretics which I have to take two times a day (this also means that I spend quite a bit of time on the toilet) and a pain killer, also two times a day. The side effect of the pain pill is grogginess, stomach cramps and an overall gross feeling. The discomfort in my stomach means that I am not eating regularly and that only adds to the sleepiness. I have spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and that is no good but luckily I have friends who drag me out of the dumps and that is a nice feeling. I am going to try and keep my head up and continue to seek the advice of my doctor.

In other news: Sacramento is a land of ruin after the crazy rain and winds! Crushed cars, toppled trees and branches as road hazards are super uncool. Pictures to come.

Welcome 2008, I am glad you are here.

Happy Freaking New Year from Sacramento!!

I am pretty excited about 2008! I am not generally one who hangs on to superstition however, if it is true that the greatness of the year ahead is determined by how you welcome it then I am sure to have a really amazing 08.

Carol and I hung out with a pretty sweet pirate pinata...you know, props for the Mexican ;)

I had a pretty amazing time shakin' it...obviously.

Joshua entertained us with his sparkler skills whilest tending to the amazing bonfire.

Joshua had some pretty sweet dance moves.

The ladies of the house had a blast!

Courtney and I took aproximently 10 pictures of ourselves on the couch.